There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
