i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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