so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
