I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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