Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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