i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
