For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
