i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
