i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize