Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
