I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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