The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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