So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
