I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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