Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
