Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
