nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
