I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
