I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
