I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
