My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
