I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
