He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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