Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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