Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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