i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
