My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
