I think my fart just growled at me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
