What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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