good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
