just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
