If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
