took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
