i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
