you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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