Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
