I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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