don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
