I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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