This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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