so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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