Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize