I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
