Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
