It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
