Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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