I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
