god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
