I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
