I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
