My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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