More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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