I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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