Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I showed him my bush... on skype.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
