two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
