Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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