I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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